Skills Of Childhood Development

The Skills of Childhood Development with Michael Evans

Childhood is a critical period of life. It is in this stage that important physical, mental, emotional, and social skills are learned, skills that will eventually be brought into adolescence and adulthood. Any disturbances in the natural development of a child could have long term negative effects for the rest of their lives, which is why it is crucial to have the proper education and support in raising and training children. Martial arts trainer and school owner Mike lends his expertise on how best to facilitate children’s development and foster solid physical, mental, and socio-emotional skills.

The importance of child development centers

Because children are in an interesting phase of growth, this calls for creating a brand new industry of child development centers. Normally, thinking of child development centers brings to mind something clinical or medical, which can be intimidating or difficult for some parents to broach. There is a need then to cater to the layperson for these industries to make it more approachable and palatable. In these centers, everything is individually tailored to each student, much like what is done in personal training. It may involve a pre-evaluation that is done to assess a child physically, intellectually, emotionally, and socially. This test will then point out strengths or challenges that every child has, and tying that to the parents’ observations or concerns.

Discipline and other important skills children need to learn

A commonly reported concern is that of a child lacking discipline. It is important to clarify what discipline means in this context, as parental expectations may differ. Some parents may expect their child to sit quietly while working, while others expect their children to make better decisions on their own. These expectations must be clarified with the parent in order to truly zero in on the problem. The parents’ report is then measured against the professional’s assessment of the child, then a plan is formulated collaboratively to bring that child from wherever they are developmentally to a point of success. Like discipline, the definition of success must also be clarified as each parent has their own expectations for what they aim for their children to achieve. This may be likened to a physical therapist bringing a child from a point of injury or physical dysfunction to a point of health. In the same way, teachers aim to bring a child from one point of development to a point of success.

Photo from Not Karate

In Mike’s martial arts schools, instructors focus on eight particular skills or areas that are expected of a child given a particular stage of development. For example, five-year-olds may not play very well together but by the time they are six or seven, they will have mastered that skill and can start doing team activities. This skill will then be visible in every drill that is done, with specific tasks that encourage teamwork. It is not necessarily “magic,” but more of supercharging the natural tendencies that children already have. Paired with that, the school also offers a comprehensive training program for parents that allows them to bring home the methods and lessons that are taught. Parents often report that their child is more compliant to their teacher versus with them at home, which is why educating parents would greatly improve carry over of skills at home. One to two hours of “personal training” in school would be greatly complemented by a proactive parent further reinforcing and honing those skills at home; otherwise, the skill may not fully be learned.

Using a game- or play-based model has also been found to effectively facilitate learning in children, although these vary in terms of structure. With game-based activities, they are usually directed at a specific task or goal. Play-based activities are also important because, although they are less structured, this is when a child starts to incorporate the lesson or skill into their free play.

Martial arts: drawing the line between self-defense and physical harm

There is also an ongoing discussion on the boundaries between self-defense and physical harm, especially in the context of bullying. A lot of parents usually enroll their children in martial arts classes to better defend themselves against bullies. While the center will teach a certain amount of physical technique so that the child can physically keep themselves safe, the primary focus is mostly on the physical stage of development. This is important to facilitate a stronger sense of self-esteem and confidence, which are often the issues that children who are bullied face. Martial arts classes will first look at a child’s sense of self-determination and self-efficacy, which is their belief in their ability to be able to do things. The goal is then to provide them with a sense of physical and intellectual competence, and instill in them greater confidence in their ability to do things well. This puts them in a state of reference where the bullies are not necessarily looking at them. When tied to the social stages and emotional stages of development, this may help them be less reactive to bullying. Without this skill, children will tend to react without thinking about what they are saying and doing, leading to negative consequences. By coaching them on that emotional detachment, as well as facilitating crucial social skills, this will allow them to de-escalate the situation. It will also help them build a better social network beyond the five or six people (or bullies) that they see every day. This is important, especially for a child who is bullied, because they tend to believe that the whole world is against them and life will never get better. However, by building those social networks, this may help the child see that there are other people over who can help them feel good about themselves. Essentially, it is less about fighting back against bullies, but more about building a lifestyle where the bully does not even belong in one’s life. Support from one’s family and friends could greatly ease the stress brought about by bullying. Having that safe space where a child can express their emotions will be invaluable to their development, and will be skills that they can carry on to adulthood.

In terms of mental development, it is usually the toddler to preschool years (2-5 years old) that are one of the most impactful times in a child’s life. However, modern education models tend to overlook this stage until they reach formal schooling. As parents, this is the time to really go in and foster a deeper level of connection with children. Children who have a strong connection to their parents usually become more confident later on. But, it is important to remember that each parent-child dynamic is different and comes with their own unique challenges.

Part of what child development centers aim to do is give parents “permission” to admit that there is a challenge. Very often, parents bring their child to these centers because something is not quite right, but deny that their child has any kind of learning disability or physical inhibitions. It is only revealed later on that apparently, that child is on a particular medication, or they attend a special school disclosure. Giving parents that permission to freely share those difficulties, whether it is a short-term problem or a chronic condition, greatly relieves the stigma associated with it, which is critical in addressing the problem. Just like in a business mindset, it is difficult to set goals and plot a path to achieve it without first knowing where to start and the resources currently available. It is usually in the first month or so of a person’s membership that the children’s performance is closely observed and discussed thoroughly with parents in order to really dig deep into the skills that need to be addressed. From there, goal-setting can be done with a child, which is often overlooked in favor of the parents’ goals. Contextualizing goals by taking into account the child’s desires makes it more relevant and tangible to them. For example, a parent may want their child to be more responsible while all that child wants is a pony. The center will then aim to incorporate both goals by adjusting that child’s view of themselves to make it so that they see themselves as a responsible person, leveraging psychology and life coaching techniques to engage the reticular activating system (RAS), which is the part of the brainstem that makes those affirmations every morning work. When affirmations are made aloud, your RAS reaffirms that the person is actually responsible and looks for opportunities to demonstrate that skill. So, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in a very positive way.

Expectations and considerations parents should keep in mind

Two important things that parents should bear in mind are moderating their expectations and allowing their children to be children. A parent may instruct their child to go upstairs, wear shoes, and come back down, only to find that child sitting down with only one shoe on while playing on a console. The child is then branded as inattentive or disobedient. However, it may not always be the case that the child did anything wrong, but maybe for a child at that stage of development, they can only process two commands at a time. In that example then, maybe the child only heard go upstairs and something about shoes. By moderating their expectations, this allows parents to adjust their parenting style to a level that is more in line with what their kids need and are capable of. The second aspect is to remember that children are not little adults, that they are also people. Some parents may harshly tell their child to just sit down and be quiet since they are talking to somebody, invalidating whatever the child has to say. This may negatively affect a child’s perceived level of competence, leading them to believe that they are not worth speaking to other people.

It is crucial to speak to a child at the appropriate level of development. It might be difficult to have a three-year-old follow lengthy instructions since they only have about 20-30% of their language ability. With a teenager, they will understand every single word said but still lack the wisdom and life experiences to respond appropriately. This is why when teenagers are instructed to do something simple, they may just roll their eyes and ignore the command. Developmental changes such as growth spurs, brain rewiring, and increasing hormone levels should also be taken into account when dealing with teenagers. Understanding why a child does what they do relieves some of the burden off parents and allows them to meet them better wherever they are at developmentally.

The concept of discipline may also be affected by the ability to delay gratification, which is a skill that younger generations seem to struggle with. The advent of technology, smart phones, and the internet, where information and entertainment is readily available and accessible has made it difficult for children to delay gratification. Most children want everything now because that is what technology has taught them. These generational gaps are unique for their time; the elderly generation may be more authoritarian and expect commands to be followed immediately, while the middle-aged group may have been averse to this and sway more on the rebellious side. Therefore, the definition of discipline has greatly evolved from a source of punishment to one that is now more focused on teaching and learning, a middle ground between the notions held by the older generations. It involves the capacity to make good decisions, and not just simply do as told. There is a difference between experiencing corporal punishment at the hands of an irritable parent, focusing more on the parent being upset rather than what the child actually did, versus a parent calmly explaining to a child why that act was wrong and the corresponding consequence. For example, one parent may physically harm their child after throwing a tantrum while playing on the iPad, while another parent may calmly help their child process what happened then limit time to play on the iPad, explaining that they might not be responsible enough yet to play with it. Therefore, it is always about the lesson to be learned. Taking time in a day to sit down with the child and helping them process these emotions would greatly aid their development in the long-term.

The role of school in a child’s development

The education system may also play a role in the individual expression of a child’s goals and future. The purpose of the American education system is to create college students. The purpose of the college educational system is to create higher learning college students. The purpose of higher learning college is to create researchers within the educational environment who turn around and become teachers for the next generation. Therefore, the American educational system is generally not about job preparation. It is about creating scholars and there is nothing wrong with that, except that most people are not going to become scholars. Some school districts however are working to change this. Entrepreneurship programs are being offered to children, where they bring in representatives from different industries to teach and mentor. These programs allow children to experience each role in the business model then shift roles, making the programs more holistic, well-rounded, and well-adjusted.

Success ultimately has more to do with one’s mindset. The “get rich quick” mindset may not get an individual very far compared to having a willingness to keep trying despite experiencing failures. The ability to adapt to changing circumstances is a crucial life skill, as success is never guaranteed. The opposite of success is not failure, but actually not trying again. If parents want their children to be successful, parents themselves have to be successful. This does not necessarily mean that the parent has to be a millionaire, but more about living a lifestyle and having a mindset that is focused on success. Children do not become what they are told, but become what they see. If a parent wants their child to be honest, they too should be honest. If parents want their children to always push forward, they too have to demonstrate that willingness to push forward. If a parents wants their child to be empathetic, that parent should also be empathetic and willing to apologize to their children when they have done something wrong. Children would also greatly benefit from mentors and usually, the most powerful mentors are actually their peers. A six year-old may benefit from the positive influence of a nine year-old who will lead them in the right direction and keep them in a positive social circle. It is important for a child to be surrounded and steeped in a successful circle, from their parents, to their friends, and to the media that they consume. Make sure that everything that comes into their lifestyle is positive. This is not to say that they have to look at their world through rose-colored glasses, because the world is an ugly place sometimes, but rather helping children see through the ugliness and think of ways to make it better.

About Mike Evans

Mike opened his first martial arts school in 1999, teaching mostly adults. He experienced his fair share of hardships with the economic collapse in 2008 that led to him losing his school. It was during this challenging period that he took the opportunity to reflect and realized that children were an underserved population in the context of martial arts training. However, he lacked the technical training to sufficiently meet the needs of these children, at which point he consulted Melody Johnson, a children’s program expert, who runs Skills Worldwide. Not only was she a caring and empathetic person, but she based most of her decisions on intuition backed by her knowledge of child science and psychology. Later on, he found that the impact he was having on people’s lives, and by extension on the community, were not just limited to individual change but transcended generation. This truly resonated with him because the world of martial arts helped him get his life back on track, especially after he joined the Marine Corps in 1994, expecting it to be his career, only to find that it was not for him and served for only about seven months. Mike aims to use his experience to turn the lives of others around as well, and give back to the next generation.